I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
