Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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