I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I touched a dick in church today
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
