When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
