you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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