My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
