He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
