turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
