dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
pop tarts are not kleenex
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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