and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
