I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
