The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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