I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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