giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
