You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
