nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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