How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
