Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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