I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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