I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
