His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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