Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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