when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
