She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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