So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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