My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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