My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
