this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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