I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
