Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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