Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
