I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
