did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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