I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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