I wish I could punch you in the face.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
