Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
