I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
