I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
