suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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