I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
