sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
