i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
