I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
