I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
