i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
