Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
