I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
