I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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