Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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