Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
