i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
